Seen facebook messages, unreplied texts, missed calls, inconsistency, efforts that hang midair .. how often do we allow ourselves to settle in something that we know we never deserve?
All these attempts at trying to sweep me of off my feet were cute at first, it made me feel like maybe I wasn’t really that bad, that despite the flaws I see whenever I look at the mirror, didn’t know that some people could look past at that. But I don’t know, I just think that maybe I have so much love to give that it terrifies me to give it all to one person; thus making it hard for me to completely risk everything.
But I did, didn’t I? Because I fucking gave you a second chance. Because I fucking LOVE YOU in my own fucked up ways. I wasn’t always the first person to text anyone, but you are an exception because I wanted things to work out between us. I wanted us to at least get a chance, a shot for a new, better relationship with you where we can say what we want or be whoever we want. But as I see all the seen messages, the opened text messages that you never paid attention to, it just shows how much you value my worth, which is close to the space between nothing and everything. You’re sweet today, and tomorrow, you’re cold. You tell me exactly the things I wanted to hear from you and yet the next hour, you’re flirting with another girl,
Congratulations, you have managed to hurt me for the 12343 time! Are you happy? Do you want a punch in the face as a token for appreciation?
I warned you didn’t I? You’re really stubborn, you say one thing and do the opposite. When will you ever learn? Look what happened to your heart! It’s barely even working. You’ve done enough! All the wasted efforts and useless tears that continue to pour, darling, it’s time to let go…. Please, don’t make it harder than already it is.
I stare at the paper
and I see your face
it almost looked as if I drew your face
because drawings can’t capture
the stubble in your jaw,
the light behind your eyes
your lashes that goes on for days
I then threw the paper
it barely made into the trash can
because it knows
I haven’t let you go
I write poems about you, darling.
And I cannot let you know.
I sing songs about you, my love,
And I’d rather bury them under my pillow.
There is no use in swimming in secret love,
No ego-boost, no happiness
I just feel like a war goes on within me
While I watch you,
As peaceful as an untouched island,
I paint watercolours of a face
I’ve never even seen close up.
When I draw your lips my heart
Begins to panic.
I sketch the hands you’ll never hold me with,
The jawline I’ll never touch.
I am an exploding art piece
In a gallery full of unrequited lovers
And you are a spectator;
Looking at me like a mirrored window
Only seeing you.
Never seeing me.
I get all too depressive every god damn time. I don’t even know what do with my life anymore. My life has been such a roller coaster ride and even tho I try to hold on tight for as long as I can, I realized just how tiring it is especially when your self tells you the ride isn’t worth it anymore.
“It’s hard to stay mad, when there’s so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I’m seeing it all at once, and it’s too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that’s about to burst… And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can’t feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life.”—American Beauty, (1999)