I write poems about you, darling.
And I cannot let you know.
I sing songs about you, my love,
And I’d rather bury them under my pillow.
There is no use in swimming in secret love,
No ego-boost, no happiness
I just feel like a war goes on within me
While I watch you,
As peaceful as an untouched island,
I paint watercolours of a face
I’ve never even seen close up.
When I draw your lips my heart
Begins to panic.
I sketch the hands you’ll never hold me with,
The jawline I’ll never touch.
I am an exploding art piece
In a gallery full of unrequited lovers
And you are a spectator;
Looking at me like a mirrored window
Only seeing you.
Never seeing me.
I get all too depressive every god damn time. I don’t even know what do with my life anymore. My life has been such a roller coaster ride and even tho I try to hold on tight for as long as I can, I realized just how tiring it is especially when your self tells you the ride isn’t worth it anymore.
“It’s hard to stay mad, when there’s so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I’m seeing it all at once, and it’s too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that’s about to burst… And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can’t feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life.”—American Beauty, (1999)
I’m afraid to give my heart to someone because the last time I did, I almost didn’t get it back. Not sure if I am a commitment-phobic but the thought of baring your soul, your inner self to someone, the vulnerabilities and the cracks you tried so hard to hide to someone is terrifying. Love always come with pain. I knew that, but still. Ugh.
“I think perhaps love comes from finding someone you feel utterly comfortable with, someone who makes you comfortable with yourself. It’s like…finding yourself, or maybe it’s like finding the other part of yourself.”—Whispers of Heaven (Candice Proctor)
I haven’t had the chance to write about what has been happening in my life (not that it’s worth-writing about) for the past few months. Christmas came and so did New Year and my 19th birthday too, and as much as I would like to tell that I have changed, the remains of my past, the person I have become, will probably stay for the longest time. I actually think that I have become more broken than ever, cuts and bruises surround my whole body and the spaces of the cracks in my soul are much harder to fill in except I am much more willing to take risk and understand the way of life. You fall, you get hurt but eventually, it’ll be okay in the end. Not that I settled on just going on with the flow, I guess it is safe to say that I am slowly learning to just let things fall into its place…
I will forever contradict you
When you say, “I love you more.”
I will not say,
“No. I love you more.”
Or “I love you most.”
For fear of it coming true.
I never want one of us
To love the other more
Than they love us;
That is when discontent and doubt
And fear of being unworthy
Settles into our souls.
I will never settle
For being loved less
Or loving less,
“So instead, I will say with a smile,
“That’s not possible.”
And I will perpetually compete
Just to keep our love
On the same level.
“And when I tell you I love you I mean that you can make my heart ache in places deep inside of myself, and at the same time make it sing more beautifully than can be described. I mean that you can give me life or take it away from me. You are my complete happiness and my misery.”—
“There will be days where my heart seems to be full and I’ll constantly remind you that you’re the greatest thing that has happened to me. Just know on the days when my heart seems empty and my eyes wander away from our conversations over wine and couch cuddling— my sentiments will always stay the same. Just because I doubt myself and have allow myself to indulge in day terrors of my potential failure doesn’t mean I will love you any less. In fact, I will love you more because I know you anchor me in reality.”—Thought Catalog, The Type of Love I Can Offer (via durianquotes)